Making "I" rather than "you" statements: A "you" statement is one that puts ownership of the ideas or feelings on someone other than the speaker. An "I" statement is one in which the speaker owns the thoughts and feelings. "You" statements escalate an argument, defend from feelings we don't want, and distance ourselves from uncomfortable ideas.
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"I" statements communicate clearly, and de-escalate arguments. They can be scary and risky. It's forbidden in American society to own fear, sadness and anger. One can be ridiculed and hurt for doing so. They can also be powerful and effective at creating communication and closeness.
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Here are some examples. "You're a wonderful person" versus "I like you." "You talk too much" versus "I'm bored." "You make me mad" versus "I feel angry." "You're a slob" versus "I don't like cleaning up after you." "You never listen to me" versus "I feel ignored."
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Being specific: Instead of "I didn't like how disrespectful you were," try, "I didn't like that you were yelling."
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Keeping it simple and clear: The longer you go on, the more likely you are to lose the other person. Don't repeat yourself or talk longer than they do. Instead of "I was looking through over the bills, and as I was balancing the checkbook, I realized that first I had to sort through that pile over there. While I was looking through that pile, I discovered an old unopened bill I had never seen" try, "I found an unopened bill."
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Doing one thing at a time: Stay on one topic till it's resolved. Bringing up other issues will distract and confuse.
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Describing feelings: Explain your feelings by naming, simile, figure of speech or action urge. Naming: "I feel embarrassed." Simile: "I feel lower than a squid on the bottom of the ocean." Figure of speech: "I was hit with a ton of bricks." Action urge: "I feel like hugging you."
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Perception checking: Describe what you think the other person's inner state is in order to find out whether you're actually understanding. "You look like you feel hurt. Do you?" "You seem to be feeling more at home now?"
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Spaciousness: Give the other person room to talk and ask questions, participate. Learn rather than teach.
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Lightness: Be humorous, and make little jokes.