This is a story I wrote.

Ok, I will say something nice. I liked it and it something good to build off of.

If you love to write then just keep doing it, I am a writer(an aspiring one, I'm working on my first book, :) ) and if you just keep writing you will get better and read a lot of good books(If you need suggestions just message me, good books serve as an amazing inspiration). Just do what you love and you will always be great.

Constructive Criticism:
This is important for a writer, you have to take criticism well, there will always be poeple who don't like your story, as is clear from previous posts. If you ca have a friend or family member read it, my cousin and I edit each others stories, it makes it easier because it is from someone who cares about you and knows how you think, so they understand what your going for and just give you a litte push.

I liked it, it is really good, espescially for 12 year old(sorry if the age is wrong.) I liked the details on what you see, but you need all the sensory details. What is the person hearing, smelling, feeling, and even tasting.

If you ever need help with a story just message me, I love to read and write, good luck with your story!

P.S. It was very good, better than a lot of the writing I've seen, even in some books(like Twilight, I haven't read it and I'm not saying it's bad, it just has a lot of grammatical errors, I and many others think this, sorry to offend anyone, I'm sure it has really good plot.)

Don't know much about literature, but i like very much microfictions. It a pretty interesting genre which can be as long as a sentence and make up a plot; generally they have more content in a sentence that any other longer story.

I read this story as a horror parody, a good one, though i don't think that was the author's intention. Anyway it's a pretty interesting piece of writing. I personally loved it :)