The Coffee Shop

*downing what may or may not be jet fuel*

I'm so unbelievably salty right now. My step-mom seems to be in over her head about a situation in this household and I've come close enough to yelling and hitting her that it's not even funny. She think she's Queen B, well you have another thing coming if you try to force me out of my path, bitch.

*takes a swig of her Irish Coffee*

I need to words and I need to words hard.

The brainstorming is going well enough, though.

Drinks whiskey out of a tea cup

I've gotten a light replaced, a tire replaced, and my oil changed... What's next?

I relized that the guy I like doesn't like me back. Also my friend lied to me saying he liked me so when I texted him it got awkward. Pretty sucky week.

I did it. I survived my first year of graduate school, and with a 4.0 GPA. It wasn't easy: there were many nights of crying, frustration, and confusion. Sometimes I doubted myself. Sometimes others doubted me. But here we are. One more year of hard work and perseverance till I can hold that Masters degree in my hand.

congratulation Izzy

I have a whole week off. On one hand, I'm sad that I'm not making money. On the other, I have time to spend with my family and friends. I can also get a bunch of crap done, like dying my hair and fixing my car - both done today. :D

Dark roast with hazelnut creamer, here!

So I've learned some things about myself recently that are really important and I wish I knew them years ago! Oh, how that would have saved me so much heartache. I'm a person who thrives on order and organization because I need it; without it, I'm a right creative mess. In the past, I would burn myself out on the two and it spill over and burn out others as well as I would come off as incredibly cold and uncaring (some of that is my natural state of being a lot of the time, but not the extent it appeared to be).

I'm also a person who struggles with motivation in that (first of all, I confused desire and motivation as the two are the difference between wanting and doing) I could never pull myself to actually go through with things, even in my day to day life, unless I did it out of spite or pure anger. Part of this is due to clinical Depression and part of it is bottling things up until they explode, but I had no tools to help treat those symptoms (until now).

So what are the things I've learned about myself and how to manage some of my issues?

First of all, I learned that I was imposing order on myself in a manner that was strict and ignorant of the actual talents that came from being a creative mess;

• "order" for me needs to be key points of direction with the larger picture in mind with the freedom to get from point A to point B however I need or want to (along with a small way to remind myself to keep on track that wasn't nagging)
• It's understandably hard for people to see an "issue" for what it is objectively. Some see a fragmented, fast paced, multitasking mind. Others can see a fluid and adaptive mind that can overcome obstacles with out of the box thinking.
  The fact of the matter is that both are true and whichever form is "fed" is the one that will grow. Who needed to figure this out most of all? Me.

Secondly, I'd learned that I only took action when anger was present because I learned to bottle things up from a young age; thus effectively conditioning my mind to not react until I was sufficiently pissed off. This means that I can break down that conditioning and introduce healthier habits with small, actually doable steps; I can learn to take action in other emotional states and as well as learning to channel my anger in specific manner not associated with getting things done.

The last tidbit of information is a simple one I'd forgotten over the years. Our subconscious minds do not understand the concept of "no" because a thought is a thought, whether you're trying to combat it or if you're trying to remember it; if you're thinking about it, you're giving it more energy and time in your brain (more power, essentially).

So instead of saying "I shouldn't be angry," one could say "I should be calmer and happier." The italicized words being the thought that the subconscious latches onto. Notice the difference? It's something backed by science, too, and not just a cutesy, mindless thing to say in positivity. I'll have to search for the sources again to more fully discuss it.

Really struggling right now with issues at home and issues with my school/work. Just trying to keep my head above the water for the time being.

Having a bad time at the moment im from the uk and my boyfriend has to move to Canada, so its ibviously not going to work out. Really stressed out with work so much hours not enough money story of my lofe. But its the weekend!!! Im starting to feel more happy and back to myself nearly.