I don't see how "pedophile" fits in with the story at all. Just that one word leads me to believe you were trying to be insulting more then helpful. Aside from that, although your post definitely held criticism, there wasn't much advice and so it wasn't entirely constructive. You failed to point out how to make it spookier; more suspense, less simple visual description(add sound for example), etc. Your post did suggest that grammar and punctuation could be improved upon, but to me that's not bad for a twelve year old. I've seen people in their twenties and thirties with worse grammar and much worse spelling. He won a contest with this so obviously it can't be that bad. Your problem is that you yourself do not like it. I'd also suggest you let other people express their opinions without further going out of your way to be insulting.
And that's some constructive criticism for you, Sala.
The spelling and grammar could be caused by transferring the story to the computer, and I think this is a great base to build from although if it was me I would actually leave out some of the details, some of the scariest things imaginable are made by our minds, by all means say everything although I have to agree that it does sound a bit like a priest telling a bunch of Sunday school children about hell.
Frankly, if this was posted anywhere else, you'd get a lot worse criticism than I handed out. This is the internet. Only on this forum everyone acts extra nice.
This needs much, much work. It was poorly written, and seems to be poorly planned. This is not a story; it is barely a paragraph. Also, the level of sheer fantasy in this "story" really takes away from it being "horror". If you want to learn a bit about writing horror, the Horror Writers' Association (yes, such a thing exists lol) has a few published handbooks with great pointers.
Also, take the time to actually read a few horror books, study them.
Ok, I will say something nice. I liked it and it something good to build off of.
If you love to write then just keep doing it, I am a writer(an aspiring one, I'm working on my first book, :) ) and if you just keep writing you will get better and read a lot of good books(If you need suggestions just message me, good books serve as an amazing inspiration). Just do what you love and you will always be great.
Constructive Criticism:
This is important for a writer, you have to take criticism well, there will always be poeple who don't like your story, as is clear from previous posts. If you ca have a friend or family member read it, my cousin and I edit each others stories, it makes it easier because it is from someone who cares about you and knows how you think, so they understand what your going for and just give you a litte push.
I liked it, it is really good, espescially for 12 year old(sorry if the age is wrong.) I liked the details on what you see, but you need all the sensory details. What is the person hearing, smelling, feeling, and even tasting.
If you ever need help with a story just message me, I love to read and write, good luck with your story!
P.S. It was very good, better than a lot of the writing I've seen, even in some books(like Twilight, I haven't read it and I'm not saying it's bad, it just has a lot of grammatical errors, I and many others think this, sorry to offend anyone, I'm sure it has really good plot.)
Don't know much about literature, but i like very much microfictions. It a pretty interesting genre which can be as long as a sentence and make up a plot; generally they have more content in a sentence that any other longer story.
I read this story as a horror parody, a good one, though i don't think that was the author's intention. Anyway it's a pretty interesting piece of writing. I personally loved it :)
