Do you ever feel worn out by having to be cautious about things on your path?
I'm new, I'm still finding different paths to incorporate into solitary eclectic practice, and I have no teacher or guide in it all. Since I don't know what I'm doing, I've had to be so cautious about what I do, interacting with spiritual entities, and generally have no solid sense of being safe at any time. I kind of feel worn down by the constant lack of security, but I have established some good relationships with some deities, Who have been pretty patient with me, so I'm grateful to Them even if I feel a bit worthless for rarely showing it in reciprocation.
I just feel so tired, too. I'm dealing with a lot, so whenever I get to this point of not feeling like I'm being good enough because I'm having to support so much, I just feel too worn down to really care. That's not a moany gripe, I just get very apathetic about things when I wear myself out through my own perfectionistic tendencies.
This is very individualized, but I'm wondering if I'm alone in this. I can't see any way out other than to keep reading and info-gathering right now, giving myself space to gather myself together and get my bearings. I guess I just want to hear if anyone else has faced similar hurdles and overcome them.
I've been reading around for a year, and my main research has been into Hellenism, Wicca and Druidry, with my focus being mostly in that order. I was on a correspondence course, but had to drop out when my exams hit due to stress and other issues. My nervousness in approaching a mentor stems from knowing that I'll be going to University soon, and so my own ability to commit would be shaky at times. I've also had issues in terms of my emotional health recently, so I'd need to find someone willing to tolerate possible inconsistency if something came up on my end. Over all, I'd be afraid of wasting someone's time, because of the flexibility I'd need.
It's a good point though, thank you for the advice.
I had similar feelings and concerns in the beginning of my journey. However, I was never into finding a mentor or guide as I wanted to learn at my own pace. What I did to sort of push through these obstacles was to read as much as I could get my hands on, obvious I know but it helps to have a large knowledge base to grow on. To combat the feeling that I was unsafe or vulnerable, I started working with sigils and talismans. To combat the "worn down" feeling, I learned to ground myself and allow the energy around me to "refuel" me. You can easily find any mention of grounding techniques anywhere, that's assuming you aren't already well aware of them. Very easy to do and the practice can easily change a lot of negative feelings you may experience. Now, these are only examples of what I tried and you're welcome to use them as you see fit or try something entirely different, I hope the info was a little helpful at least.
Maybe a coven on this site would be more your speed then. You could come to the coven when you are having these feelings, have a question, or in general feel the need for a sense of community.
I get the worn down feeling after too long of not talking to someone other than my dad and husband who practice. The sense of community is always really refreshing and helps me feel like I'm not walking down a path no one has ever traveled, because that can be scary.
Maybe just turning to your coven more would help. I know Penta is a good coven. And maybe making friends with some people in the coven would help. You don't necessarily need a mentor. Maybe just a coven or tribe of people you can turn to in a time of need.
spiritual burnout, it's happened to the best of us. [i had a 2-3 year window of spiritual burnout. one day i just woke up and didn't feel like doing anything witchy. few years later i woke up and had this huge urge to reread a Scott Cunningham book and i jumped right back into the swing of things] it normally happens when you go-go-go and don't find a balance. for some they can cast 4 circles a month [5 including Sabbats] cast a spell a week, and ground/shield/meditate daily, for others forcing yourself to do that will cause you to collapse under the pressure. you really need a balance. find what works for you.
regarding the fear [another thing i had to deal with. i had my friends, but really, our teachers were 2 Raymond Buckland books, and one Scott Cunningham] scary as it sounds, you need to take a deep breath and do it. it's scary, but your house won't burn down if you stumble over some words, or forget to do a step. deities are very understanding [and from my experience, the 'darker' deities don't typically work with 'newbies'] in terms of casting circle or spells, i started out very nervous, and double guessed a lot of stuff, but [as far as i'm aware] no spell ever backfired, and my circles always turned out fine [granted, they were more of an oval, and the fire candle would always burn out first because of the energy but other than that it was fine]
i also know the feeling when you fall into daily life and then realize you missed a full moon, or it's been a week since you cast 'checked in' with your deities. if you're genuinely sorry, you should be fine [again, i've never really had a problem. problems arise when i go 'i promise to do XYZ' only to go about my day like i didn't just give my word. so as bad as you feel, really ask yourself what you're capable of, and say you will strive to do it] if possible, set up a permanent altar, this can be a reminder [mines in the livingroom, i walk past it all the time, i typically will stop and tidy it, or say hi, light incense, and place food/drink on it throughout the day... the food/drink part is what i usually forget about on busy days. pobody's nerfect my friend lol] you might also wish to go through your day and make notes of down time and existing routines where you can add something spiritual to them. a blessing before a meal or a 'good morning' when you wake up [i thank the Goddess for this day, and all the things that come my way]
if you are feeling this tired, i would speak with your deities about it, explain the situation, and say that you're not leaving this path, but you realize you need a bit to recharge. when you have the energy, you will do what you can to connect and grow on the path, but right now, you need rest. they will understand.
Talk to your Coven mates, and meditate. You sound as if you have hit a low point with your energy. Time to receive energy rather than sending it out. Now that the Moon is waning you can get rid of sadness and despair.
Burn a black candle, bless and dress with cypress oil. light and say.
"Cut the Onion, peel the layers,
Banish Sorrow and Despair".
Let your candle burn down completely.
Blessings.
