My husband passed away this week and I'm beginning to question my faith and belief. I am a Christian-Wiccan, and when he was en route to the ER I prayed and prayed, only to have him taken from me. I am angry with God and Goddess for taking my soulmate and best friend away from me. I have very religious parents and when they were with me to help me through everything g my father kept mentioning that my husband had a talk with OGd in his last moments and is in heaven and if I don't set myself straight I might not see him again and that thought upsets me to the point I'm questioning everything I've believed in. Any advice would be greatly appreciated because I am drowning here.
Firstly, you're going through grief. You'll have all sorts of thoughts about all sorts of things, and that's perfectly normal. And you'll hear all kinds of things from people, many of whom you care for greatly, which may come across as all sorts of things. Just hold off a bit. They all mean their best, and your decisions can be better made later on. You're trying to handle a whole mess of emotions a lot of people will never understand.
Right now, you need to heal, to grieve, and to come to terms. So please, focus on that process.
As for the religious side, I would not think of any deity taking away a loved one. I'm of the opinion that the Creator is more of one who set the universe in motion, and not one who micro-manages everything which happens. As Jesus said, it rains on the just and the unjust. Life happens, and it's not always happy. God and Goddess didn't "take" him from you; whatever circumstance which led to this took him from you. At least that's my opinion.
At this time, you are grieving, and you will be for a while. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Please know that your feelings and thoughts are completely normal.
I think what your father said to you is incredibly unfair and that he used that to his advantage in the moment when you needed his comfort the most.
For now, don't dwell on it. Just grieve, and let it all out.
Firstly, anger is understandable. This might sound hurtful, and I apologize, but the Gods don't watch everything and ensure every single person has a perfect life. They didn't take your husband. We are placed on earth and walk our path. The Gods might help occasionally, but they are there for guidance. Be angry, take time to grieve, but the Gods are there to comfort you when you turn to them.
I would take this time to journal, meditate, and look inward. Faith/religion should help you in tough times, but if it causes you pain, I would take a step back and return to your center. You could ask the God/Goddess for a sign or answer, but I doubt it will come as a voice or the deity appearing before you, so unless you want to stay observant [and, at this time, I feel you need to grieve the loss and not try to seek answers] I would simply walk away. The Gods don't hold grudges, they'll be there when you return. [something I was told was cardinals are spirits of loved ones. They are sent to remind you they're by your side. Normally, I only see cardinals in the winter, but the day my Godmother passed, I saw one. When a dear friend of mine passed a week later, I saw a second one. This was in the middle of summer, so I took it as a sign. A year later, my father-in-law died, and the day after, I was staring into their back yard and sure enough, a cardinal landed on the birdfeeder]
I don't know what solace this could bring you, but I've dealt with spirits my entire life. My grandfather died in 1983, and he lived in my family's house until my grandmother passed this year. So, I don't feel his spirit would leave your side if you still need him. Even if he went to heaven, he's certainly watching over you. You might hate the Gods because he has left the physical, but I don't doubt he will be with you in spirit. Forget religion, put aside the Gods, and ask yourself what you know in your heart to be true [again when you have the strength] because that's the foundation you build your faith on. Not a book, preacher, or building. It's the fundamental belief in your heart.
I hope I could help a little, sorry if I was harsh.
I know little about Christianity outside of reading the bible in my teens and cultural markers, so I cannot help you regarding the Christian aspect of your faith. As a Wiccan, I will try to help. Life is a cycle. Even now as the wheel of the year turns, the God has died and the Goddess mourns his loss. The God gave up his life at Lughnasadh so we may harvest the fields. The Goddess has aged into her crone phase. On Samhain she will travel to the underworld and reunite with her husband and the cycle will begin once more. The God and Goddess are not malicious, vengeful, or evil. They are like nature. Rain brings flowers, but it can also bring floods. The Lord and Lady did not take your husband away. You can call on the Lord and Lady for help, but ultimately, they know life is a circle, and as much as it hurts, this is a sad fact of our cycle.
Spiritually speaking, I do not believe we instantly reincarnate. When a soul still has earthly attachments, they linger until they are certain their loved ones will be alright. When we are reborn, some believe we are reborn surrounded by loved ones.
Our losses are part of the cycle of living. We are born and we leave this life when our time comes. For us Norse, we understand that the web of life is determinate. Not even Gods have control over when their time is up. The views of Christianity are that this life is almost meaningless and the next one is what is to be sought. The earth based faiths put more emphasis on our current one. Being that you have one foot in both paths, makes this extremely difficult to absorb. There liesthe aspect of faith. You question because you are not secure in your views.
If your Christian ties are strong, you will eventually be content that your loved one is with God and it is only a matter of time before you join him in the kingdom of heaven. If your pagan faith is strong, know that only his body has passed and his spirit is always with you and is accessible. Either way, you will eventually find peace with the situation. My heart goes out to you with your terrible loss as others here have also stated. Grief and grieving are what is important for you presently. Let it run its course and you will recover after a time like the rest of us that have experienced the same. Things will happen during your lifetime that will help you to affirm where your path should take you. Be receptive to the signs and feelings that occur.
This community is here to support you. For those who pray, we will pray for you. For those that do not, we will stand in solidarity with you as we all will be in your situation during our lifetime. Lean on us to help you with recovering your strength.
